Reflections
2026 marks three years since the death of my mom and my son. For me, these have been years of working through the trauma of my past, and of building a new version of me. I spent 2023 and 2024 in a state of raw emotion. While life continued around me, I lived inside of myself, I attempted to process all that had happened.
2025 was different.
I began the year obsessed with making broken hearts of wool. It felt as if others had believed that I should be okay, and that I should move on. Yet, all that I could feel was the heaviness of my broken heart. I know now that, in reality, I had no idea what others thought or believed, as I have no access to the inner life of those who are not me. My perception of them may or may not have been based on truth.
I made the hearts in an attempt to communicate. I set for myself a personal goal of making one-hundred and eighty-five hearts. Each heart was to represent one day of my mom’s disease.
The progression of my broken hearts of wool.
The hearts started out small and simple, but in the making of them, my skill improved. They became larger and more elaborate. Eventually, I started to make figures and faces that contained broken hearts within them. Later in the year, I made jewelry, hats and scarves that also featured my broken heart motif.
Broken Heart Series
At some point, I lost count. I do not think that I have yet made one-hundred and eighty-five hearts, but I do not know for sure. What I do know is that, over the course of the year, my broken hearts were transformed from a symbol of my sorrow to a symbol of my strength.
I do not expect my soul to recover from the death of my son or from the death of my mom. I do not expect it to recover from the impact of the circumstances that surrounded those events. The scars that I carry are permanent. What has changed is that I now know that I am strong enough to carry the weight of it all.
I am able to stand tall and grieve for the world. I can grieve for those who are unable to let go, and who are unprepared to feel the sorrow for themselves.
When I wear my wool hat, or my broken-heart pendant, I feel the courage of my ancestors and the fortitude of my spirit. When I wrap myself in the protection of my large, heavy warm shawl, I can face the calamities of life with the vitality of my soul intact.
In the spring of 2025, I decided that I wanted to make art that was, as it were, undeniable. I spent the remainder of the year honing my technique. Through the work, I gained the confidence to create a website where my story and art would be put on display. I activated my site in December, and have since been focused on learning about web design, marketing, self-promotion and search engine optimization.
To me, my website feels alive. Each day, I add more art and more writing. I change the contents and the appearance of the site. I update descriptions and alter the metadata. It is meant by me to be a complete representation of the story of how I came to be the person who I am today. I still have a many pieces to photograph, describe and add to the site. I will keep going.
Ezra The Unyielding. Needle-Felted Wool. 2025
Another interesting thing happened this year. For several months, I had a job giving tours of a robotic dairy farm and of an industrial pig farm. I learned quite a bit about the modern world of agriculture, and about the direction that food production will likely take, as it utilizes new technology. The experience made me firmer in my conviction that the solution to our many problems lies in a return to tradition.
Humans survived for thousands of years without the conveniences that are currently supplied to them by their overlords. If we could regain our connection to and our knowledge of the past, with hard work, we would be able to survive independently again.
It is our addiction to ease that is killing us.
I live in a state of contradiction, of paradox. I process raw wool, raise chickens and bake bread. I dream of growing crops, milling wheat and keeping sheep. At the same time, I sit in front of a computer and I create a website, complete with the help of AI. Using my cell phone, I photograph myself with my art, and post my images to a variety of social media platforms.
In doing this, I try my best to tell the truth. Still, I am not certain that I know the truth. I have been wrong too many times. For most of my life, I believed the exact opposite of what I believe now, and I expect that, with new experience and information, my beliefs will change again. I assume that I will know the actual truth when I die, but I might not even be right about that.
I am ready to move forward into 2026. I am ready to see what else life has in store. Perhaps I will sell a million hats and find a way to support myself with my creativity. Perhaps there will be something else in the cards. All I know with certainty is that I have no idea where life will take me. I also have no idea what is in store for humanity.
It seems that it is not for me to know.
Thank you everyone who has been with me on this journey. My writing and my art have been an integral part of my ongoing recovery, and as it turns out, it has aided in my discovering my capabilities.
On December 26 Jeremiah Hosea, who has worked tirelessly to bring more attention to the vaccine-injured, gave me the opportunity to speak on his radio podcast. I would be an honor to have you listen to my story, and hear my current point of view:
https://thebassline.podbean.com/
Please visit my website. It is a visual representation of my story, and it is my contribution to our effort to win the war that rages on. We must continue to fight for the preservation of our soul. If you have the means, and want to support my work, buy a hat or a piece of art. That would provide me with a moment of pure joy.
Kristiyapp-woolalchemist.com
I still send out a detailed account of the story of my mom’s disease every day. I wrote it believing that it would prove that what I believe about the cause of my mom’s disease is what is true. As I said, I have been wrong about many things, but I do think that I am right about this. I lived it, after all.
For the upcoming year, I wish you peace, love, hope, strength and discovery. No matter what happens, maintain your compassion and hold tightly to your soul.
Buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/kristiyapp
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